as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
