Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
