I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
