wanna go halves on a baby?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
