I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
