can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My feet surprised me
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