i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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