I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
