Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
