I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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