I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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