I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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