i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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