broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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