If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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