Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
