Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
3pm strippers are depressing
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
