I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
