We're like a lot better than the average bears
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
