somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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