You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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