She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
