Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
