I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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