Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
