He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
