tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
