absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
