Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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