No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
