You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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