Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
