I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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