So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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