I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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