ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
