FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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