I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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