he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
