Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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