I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
