by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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