"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
