farters have to be the big spoon...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
