Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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