omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My balls are so social today.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
