When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
