i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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