So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
