Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
