I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
