i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
