life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
