When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
